Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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