who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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