tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
