I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
