Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
PANTIES FOUND
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