She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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