I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
my poor anus
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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