She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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