fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
