my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
