Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
