happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
