yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
my liver is dry heaving
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
