I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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