I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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