just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
