Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
