You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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