Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
