oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
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you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
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Is this like a preordered booty call?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
How does it feel to date your dad?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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