i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
