just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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