well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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