If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
