Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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