last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
