Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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