Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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