Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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