Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Blood and glitter go together right?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Randomize
