Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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