You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I looked at my own cervix.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
tell me about the fingering
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
