Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
