Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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