im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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