I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
