lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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