Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
