just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
