Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
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Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
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The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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