God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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