oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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