im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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