Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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