david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
