I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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