Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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