Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
