my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
