He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
