apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
