Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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