We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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