I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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