I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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