dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
