I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
