I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
